me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You Might Also Like
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”