Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Awwwww shit.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

The best shot in the history of golf

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.