Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Here’s a meme

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”