Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear