Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”