Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Thursday
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I have taken up painting
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.