Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Catercrombie & Fish

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.