Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Body by sandwich.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”