Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table