Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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Good morning.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Put a ring on it
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…