Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn