Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you