Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
How many? 🤔
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
