Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that