Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.