ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb