Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

[eulogy]

line?

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.