Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”