Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]