Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
PLEASE READ
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.