Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
repaired
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Put my back out twerking in the library again
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
😭😭😭
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.