Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
This could’ve been an email.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I am, perchance
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.