Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.