Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
