@AndrewChamings

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

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@MattMcElaney

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

@UncleDuke1969

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

@OrangeFact

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

@DeadLioness

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

@chris_coltrane

TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals

@AskinWayne

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell

@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

@Miniwheats2012

My son can go from “omg…you’re impossible I can’t wait until I’m 18!”
To “you’re the best mom ever” in a matter of $100