me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.