me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

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GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.


She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”


ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy


CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.


1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals


I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell


We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator


My son can go from “omg…you’re impossible I can’t wait until I’m 18!”
To “you’re the best mom ever” in a matter of $100