me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
All is fair in drunk and war.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?