ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
![]()
You Might Also Like
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.