ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks