Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I told my vodka about you.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas