ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
🍞🦆
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…