Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Monday Lisa

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car