Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just leave it at the foot of the bed

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

So that’s what we looked like?

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo