Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Bed should get ready for ME

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

new shirt idea

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time