Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1629981394200846336/pu/vid/576x1024/pFGHIDH6CYnOHLBM.mp4?tag=12

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Warm pools make me nervous.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!