Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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He took my last fry, your honor
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Carpe DM
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Worst perfume name ever.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.