Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

i’m still crying at this

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.