Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Sharon, call the vet

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?