Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.