Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.