Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim