Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind