Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃