Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

describing stardew valley

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

This did not end as expected.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues