Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Rooting for the overdog

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell