Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Stop.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Guilty! 🤪

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.