Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.