Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.