Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

Tremendous stuff