Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
😂💯
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.