Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
You Might Also Like
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
my first day as a raccoon
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague