Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.