ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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Them: We鈥檝e made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My inexpensive home security system…
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M鈥檚.
Me: I can鈥檛 eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it鈥檚 too dark to separate them by color.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they鈥檙e all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
馃檯馃徎
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Sharks 馃 waiting on there food delivery 馃槀
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he鈥檚 got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT