Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo