Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.