Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
me when i see my girls butt
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.