Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.