Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.