Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
why would tinder want me to say this
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?