@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

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@Iloveearwormz

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

@SamGrittner

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@shadenfreude5

[Day 1 of school at home]

8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy

8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

@GreenishDuck

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@JasonLastname

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert