@Iloveearwormz I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
@WhatsAGreenhorn Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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@Iloveearwormz 
@SamGrittner “Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
@RickAaron Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
@shadenfreude5 [Day 1 of school at home]
8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy
8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
@GreenishDuck Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
@whimsik_l Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
@JasonLastname If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
@junejuly12 Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
@eddie_ferrero pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert