@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

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@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@stereoskyline

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@Jamie1947

Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before

@brynnester

Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours

@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

@GrantTanaka

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”