My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before
Me: I got you these
Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?
Me: Well you said I never buy you flours
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
…it’s on the house 😉