Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉