Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Woke up against my better judgement again
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.