Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
In Canada they just call them geese
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*