Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Hey! This isn’t my car!

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.