Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful