Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.