me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.