me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself