Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

I hope they boil the right one.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

I falcon love using swear birds

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!