Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

see next tweet for some translations

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub