Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options