me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
These are my emotional support Pringles.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
That 👊
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas