Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
#oldknees
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN