Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My dating profile:
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Happy Halloween 🎃
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*