Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Good boy 😂😂
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.