Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
You Might Also Like
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams