Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Oh deer

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus