Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.