Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

I’m putting together a team

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

guys I’m going home

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Every damn time

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school